Last night I dreamed about the Bézier Game and it was plenty interesting because it gave me a real idea: you could draw the assets of a stage yourself. This could give the sensation that you are building your own game. I still need to ponder this idea, but I think it has potential.

On Friday I was ready to give up on my experiment of ceasing to smoke weed. In a sober state I’m experiencing very negative affect with my family, I notice myself being resentful towards the smallest things, and I make myself angry by thinking these things. It is ridiculous.

So I biked to the smoke shop and the attendant told me to come back next week because they had run out of it. By intuition I knew it was meant to be this way, that I must work out my anger by inner rather than by outer means. And yet, when I came back home and had dinner with Oscar, I asked his roomate if he had a tiny bit so I could sleep better. But he had none. Again, confirmation that I am meant to work through this in an unaltered state.

The first few days I was waking up in the middle of the night and having trouble going back to sleep. However, by now my sleep schedule has become more regular, and my affective state has improved a lot through compassion meditation.

Time and time again I see that any positive change caused by external agents is missing inner work. In seeking inner freedom one must liberate oneself from the chains of external agents.

Keith Twitter exchange

Yesterday I had a DM exchange with Keith Walkiewicz. Even though I know he is as human as anyone, it is useful for me to picture him as avatar of the divine, or an embodiment of the Tao, because everything he writes seems to have an additional layer that I only discover if I ponder for long enough.

This was our DM exchange (which is actually simple, but it illustrates the case).

Hi Keith, I just listened to your audio blurb and felt encouraged to share with you my current conundrum: when faced with an unsatisfying but tolerable life situation, how do you know if you should work towards acceptance or towards change? If the question is too vague I can put forth a couple of specific examples.

Hi Mark, I think it depends on the dynamics of the situation. There are areas of my life that I would like to be different, but I tolerate them because they afford me certain comfort, security, etc. But that doesn’t mean it has to stay that way forever. Of course I’m not familiar with your exact situation, but if it’s truly unsatisfying I would be that you’ll know something has to change. As if a more aligned vision for your life has to come about, even if it’s not clear how that will happen. Are you interested in having a conversation about this?

Your response made me notice I’m seeking change through aversion rather than seeking to align myself to a higher vision. Furthermore, when I introspect it is clear that I know what I don’t want, but what I want is so vague that it is not really actionable. This seems to have the effect of magnifying the dissatisfaction because it is the only source of motivation for change. Unless you see a fault in my reasoning, I think I have enough homework for now (establishing a clear vision of what would be a good life, and move in that direction instead of moving away from the bad life).

Somehow your insights always point towards a grip that I hadn’t seen before and this allows me to continue climbing. Thank you so much, Keith.

Glad to have helped Mark. Keep climbing!