I feel as if I squandered the weekend. This has been happening lately: I either I can’t find events that appeal to me, or I don’t enjoy the events I attend. This weekend the fiestas de barrio were still on and every single day I walked through the crowds and music finding nothing to vibe along with, except yesterday.

In these fiestas restaurants and bars put sound systems and sell drinks directly into the street, making it a block party. People congregate in front of these stalls to dance to music. I found one with reggaeton and kinda hung around with a beer in my hand, feeling awkward (it never ceases feeling awkward being alone in a bar/party setting).

Then, an attractive young woman climbed unto the bar and started dancing. People got animated, and myself with them, cheering her. She was a very good dancer and a flirt, and we all put more effort in our moves cause Spain is a country of apathetic dancers. She was up there just one song, when she came down I gave her a smile and a discrete clap of hands in order to appreciate her dance, in return she pointed at me and smiled. We all went on dancing a while and then I felt I had had enough and I went back home.

All this happened in the backdrop of me basically having given up on this kind of pleasure. I had walked through the fiestas without me being a part of them, and it was only when the crowd erupted in dancing that I was able to become a part of it and enjoy it.

As for my intentions to flirt they were nowhere to be found, as usual. I’m quite exhasperated with myself in this front. Look in the eye and smile is the only indication I give myself. At the same time the crowd was generally younger but I know these are just excuses I give to myself, there is nothing wrong with looking at a young woman and smiling. She might look away or smile back. If she smiled back I would probably look away out of nervousness, but even that would be progress. The prescription to this problem usually is “think less”, this is me looking to jump into a cold plunge by convincing myself that nothing is going to happen and the inner dialogue is the proof that I’m doing it wrong. Just fucking take the plunge.

Still, at the yoga studio I’ve been more friendly with some degree of success. People seem to be surprised that the quiet guy is speaking to them and they all have this unexpected receptivity to me, as if I were to say something important. Still, it’s not a good place to socialize because really the only place where you can strike up conversation is in the three minutes it takes you to put on your shoes at the reception area as you’re leaving.

Yesterday I also went to the pool with V. for the first time. We lounged and dipped in the water. It’s evident that she’s pregnant now, dressed and in a bikini even more. She’s invited me to doctor’s appointments over which I feel ambiguous, I feel as if I were attributing myself parenting responsibilities by doing it but at the same time I want to be supportive. In general, V. expects nothing and is appreciative of any company or support given, so I’ll disregard my feelings as avoidant hubris and generally be present as much as I can (most of her appointments will take place during my working hours).