I find wonderful passages among a significant amount of debris in the journals I wrote 12 years ago. The debris are the todo-lists, the notes that I added at later dates, the random shit that comes up. I opened one of the notebooks at a random page to illustrate the fact:

Today I went to pick up my clothes to the laundry and went past the church. I felt it would be nice to meditate. When I went in, there was a middle aged man singing beautifully in a deep melodic voice, a song about a river that reminded me of Heraclitus. I remained seated for a while, then I decided to kneel if this was the proper way of meditating at church. I asked for forgiveness and centered my thoughts on Jesus instead of meditating the traditional way. It felt good, more humbling than meditation, similar in experience but different in nature.

It was not a religious experience, just another form of meditation, accompanied by live ecclesiastical chorus. Somehow it feels that churches are endpoints of mystical energy of sorts, my guess is that their solemn architecture and spiritual mood is what gives them this sensation. I wish I had more spiritual sensibility while visiting churches in Europe.

Ah, I pulled out a prize from the random draw! Some prizes are less appealing:

I am quite sick, as I’m writing this from the toilet. I’m quite dearrheic as happens now and then. The mystery is: what got me sick, if I ate at home. I was suspecting the qty of alcohol I drank yesterday, but that usually just loosens up the stools, I have noticed I do feel quite crappy the next day of drinking. In the next schedule I shall track alcohol intake. I think I’ve made peaces with ganja and I won’t seek it out, but I must balance my return on investment as Memo does. This next week I will do computer work, no excuses. I don’t care on what, just start exercising my muscle memory. I have seldom given myself the chance to practice the lowly details of my craft. It should be quite easy to find or else produce something to help myself. I can redo the “programmer’s keyboard” that I had in mind.

…

I’m almost finished with this journal and my progress towards self-reliance is still halted. The title of this journal is “intensity” and I would say it’s been indeed intense, not intensity in work as I imagined, but in diarrhea. I hope that by tommorrow I’m feeling better, at least to be able to work and perhaps spend some time with Graciela. There’s perhaps a week worth on notes to get my project in order — hold on, shitting again. Nope, could contain it. Oh god I don’t know how I’d be able to weather any stomach woes without much fuss. I guess this is indeed the sickest I’ve ever been.

I’ve been having some really awful days, the high notes are a nice lunch with Chela, the fact I can still program, and the realisation that isolation is not the way. It is hard to be positive in sickness, perhaps what I need is a shift in philosophy as this period has asked from me many times. A turn towards Epicureanism seems in order. Seeking out friendship, minimizing desire, keeping pleasures simple. I am avoiding Adriana because I’m sure she is “not the one” and I do not want to get sexually involved with her because I do not want that commitment yet. Perhaps I should be completely honest about it, that I enjoy her company, but I don’t think we’d make a good couple?

It seems the fever has passed, I might just go buy some lomotil as this rythm of shitting is utter insanity. I have given myself plenty of rest and lenience, but I think it is time to be more stoic in my personality. I am acting exactly how María acted when she used to get sick. It’s very weird, now that we are not together she seems to have found her animus, and I have found my anima. She is confronting her cancer with resolution, courage and spirit, while I’m navigating this diarrea wondering if I were not better off dead. It is time for me to let go of this sentimentalism and tackle life again by the horns. Just writing this brings my spirit back to life.

I might not be very happy at this moment, but it is strength and spirit what brings happiness to my life, and I’ve lacked this since I arrived.