State: altered

I wish to come to understand myself when I come to think after smoking a joint. Today I told Mar that it helps me put my ideas in order, and that I see some benefits of introspection with it. This last, I did not tell her, because at the same time I with not to put an altered state in a pedestal, I have access to this through a state of relaxation, so that I can enjoy any activity I’m doing.

I would say that smoking one evening a week would be a mark of improvement. A whole project came to mind regarding regulating my own consumption and have a healthy relationship with pleasure. Because I notice I am constantly tense, I learn to relax only in the altered state, and so I have no pretension at what I am writing, I simply allow my words to flow out.

The time has come in which having a sacred sense of duty is what helps me deal with it. It is tremendously difficult for me to do things which I do not like to do, because I was never forced to do so. A strange kind of discipline arises from this, which is to… I am tired. I am rambling in my head. Let us focus the breath, and come to some kind of keyboard meditation, to exist and inhabit my being through breath first, and to allow my hands to transcribe what happens in my head.

I feel waves of relaxation throughout my frontal lobe, as if something was massaging it. There is not need to plan, all future is futile, everything is taken care of for today. The groceries are in the fridge.

I can relax.

I must close the door so that the homework for the day must be completed. I must connect the mosquito repellent, I should brush my teeth. Can this wait? Ah, the fallacy of the future, I have lost at my own game, allow us to come back into the present moment.

I am in bed, covered by a leopard print frazada which was not of my choosing. This life is not of my own choosing, but I do what I can given what I have. I am free where I need to be free. I have earned my inner freedom, and my way of exercising it in the world. I have paid my dues. Do I have the courage necessary to express my freedom? I have already done it, in fact, I am doing it at this very moment. The employee dares not to make an embarrassment of his employer, and thus does not give himself permission to fully expose yourself to the world as you are: an profoundly imperfect being who is wiling to work on himself.

I doze off into fantasy, I fall asleep. How do I remain awake? It is our task to wake up indeed. To come back, to become aware of our centers and ways of being that reside within us. To examine the different bodies that compose our being and our ways of perception, because we possess inner centers that many traditions write about. It is not our task to examine the relevant literature, but to look directly at the issue within ourselves, to experiment with our ways of being to understand that our personality can reside at different places, and thus one cannot deny a sexual being… Would I dare to write what it feels to do a sexual meditation? No, this is not the time.

Let us go into the heart, where the Tao Te Ching recommends going, where Christ is found, and open it. Crack the heart open. It is painful, but kinda sweet. I taste drips down from my throat, the one taste. My innards are vibrating. They are connected with my breath, it goes down all the way down to the coil. I am awake, now I know for sure. I feel all the way down to my toes. The keyboard seem unimportant now. I could put the laptop apart and continue exploring the full sensations, because then I could put myself into a state of deeper relaxation, and go to bed knowing… It is 10pm, I am dealing with myself to put myself to sleep, to be lazy on my weekly smoke, no, in ritual, something must be made, so allow myself to come home Sunday nights and to put my worries into order.

Do I really have worries? No, because I trust my own process. When I give to life, life gives me back. If I worry about anything it is about my own lack of courage, the knowledge that I put a cage for myself is for my own containment, because… I’m falling deeper into relaxation. The place where souls meet. Can the speechless make its way through my fingers? Of course not, not when I think of “my fingers”, look at the great fractal and understand you are a small repetition of it. The laws that codify the universe are rules that one must abide, to have knowledge about the universe you must have a strong commitment to the truth, because as Feynman used to say: the easiest person to lie to is yourself.

But the skeptic mindset is a poor tool for the kind of introspection we are trying to accomplish here, I cannot examine myself and judge the experience at the same time. If I describe it, I cease feeling it. I this true? Indeed, I became awake again.

It is time to truly prepare myself for bed now. Good night.