You know those days when the soul and the body both feel battered for no good reason? Half an hour ago I was wondering if I should go to the gym to shake off this sensation, I know well this brings up my mood. And if not, at least I would get a warm shower, because my water heater broke down some weeks ago and I’ve been having mildly cold showers, because at this latitude Wim Hoff would hoff at my weakness under the stream of water in Puebla’s weather.

But I do feel it is beneficial. I always shower at 2pm, when the weather is at its warmest, 20-24ºC. It is possible, however, that it is best to shower in the evening, when the sun has heated the water all afternoon.

Right now, however, it is raining, and this is the reason why I cancelled the reservation of my gym time, as we’re still on quarantine measures. So, if I cannot shake off my gloomy feelings by exercising, I shall do it as self therapy. I listened a long time to Charles Eisenstein again, and I find he articulates things I know in my heart in a wonderful way. It stirs up the same kind of sentiments in me.

I debate wether to write about it, because I am in an altered state from half a joint of mild marijuana I smoked 20 minutes ago. There was this one time on the camino when I met an Italian guy with whom I could communicate in broken Spanish, he was walking because he was an alcoholic, and he wanted to tame his apetite for alcohol. I told him with skepticism that I have never heard of an alcoholic who had tamed his inner beast. He said that it was possible.

In the next town we got beers, and then his mouth caught fire and he downed a couple of chupitos to extinguish his thirst. Next leg of the walk the pleasant and humble person became a boisterous singer of Pavarotti and a fake but enthusiastic admirer of nature. “Do not approach God if you are drunk”, paraphrasing the Quoran, is good advice. Will anything be resolved in the altered state? If this were true, then everything would have been resolved, so no.

I’ve been experiencing desires to quit once again. It has creeped up on me, I confess to myself. I find myself coasting. But I look at it all with compassion. What is it that I need that pot is providing? Inspiration. But this inspiration does not carry over to the sober state.

The day before yesterday, on Tuesday, I went to see my provider. He excused himself saying that the police had confiscated his merchandising and even extorted him from some money, and even asked me to loan more money than what I had already given him on Sunday, when he asked me for money because his child was sick. There is no resentment in this, I immediately understood this was meant to be, and I turned on my back saying I would come the next day.

That night I could not sleep, it was 12:30 and I was mindlessly scrolling the internets, feeling no trace of sleepiness but also “burned out” in a way which makes it impossible to fill time with useful or meaningful tasks. We burn time as if it were nothing, filling our lives with drama that does not belong to us.

I was also making frequent trips to the fridge to quench what was a hunger arising from boredom. When I smoke I have the opposite of munchies, I forget all hunger. As I scroll the feed of endless information, which is a well curated Twitter and Hacker News, and I snack on what I got to the fridge, feeling no inclination to put myself to bed, I came into a meditative state all of the sudden, and I knew it was time to close my computer and come into the state of sleep with meditation as an intermediary.

Propped by some cushions, I sat down with my back against the wall and I inhabitated my body, and my mind found the “refuge”. It was not a trivial task, it took me perhaps 45 minutes to let go of all the junk information I had put in my mind and to make the sound of my thought subside to that which is the song of eternal peace that emanates from within.

Pretty soon I got into a profound and peaceful sleep. In the morning I arose with a very clear mind, and I remember the walk I gave Nina because it was pure lightness. Should I describe the entire day? I had a nap with Marce that afternoon, before she went to the dentist, and we embraced and everything felt so intimate. It was wonderful.

But then, when she left, I could not help but go see my provider again, and this time he had a little ball of low grade marijuana, which I ask him to sell by minimum quantities so that I do not abuse it. Back I came and I made myself a joint and worked on KernType. I will not satanize this state, because sometimes I do it sober, but when I see my awkwardness at work while high, I tend to castigate myself a lot, and this is absurd. I cannot ask of myself to work while high, there is no divine connection when that happens, “do not seek God while drunk” indeed.

I write and I understand, this is why I write, to explain myself these riddles. I sometimes hope that the sober Mark can come back and read these conclusions, because I feel they are valid, but Mark seldom goes back to what he writes while he is high, not that it does not make sense, but since there is a vague recollection of what was written, what is felt is that “this is something that I have already vomited out of my being, by writing it I burn it”, and so—if I need to learn the lesson because it was only learned by the high version of myself, then so be it. I will receive the lesson as many times as I need.

That was an interjection to say: put attention, the high Mark seems to abhor being high, the sober Mark seems to abhor being sober. How strange is all of this, I seem to simply want to escape from myself. But I found way out of all of this: put yourself to sleep in meditation, wake up in meditation. It is easy. It can be done as a couple.

How is it that I was unaware that the sober night and morning was so much rewarding that this hazy day? I see the paradox, if I castigate myself for doing this I will only need more “medicine”, in fact, I was already eyeing the remaining joint. I am already smoking it. Something tells me this will be my last in a while. This comes not from will but by intuition. Is there an added sense of pleasure in knowing it is the last? I would say no. But I’m glad about falling into alignment. I will crave my vice, but it has all been consumed. No more cigarrettes or joints for a while, can I promise myself that, in this state?

No, I distrust myself in this state, if one ought to make deals with oneself, one should not be in an altered state, the only way in which this can be integrated is by observing the validity of the facts from experience: if I am in a more happy and relaxed state when I meditate, why should I recur to pot? To find inspiration, that is what is sometimes lacking, but that will come through meditation. It is 18:30 and I could still go to the gym at 19:30, then I would put myself to meditate. But it will be very wet. It is fine.

I know what I will do, I will clean up the house to have lunch here with Marce after the gym. To celebrate new periods it will be necessary to clean myself up in all ways.