The purpose of writing this is to make an assesment of my life at this time, a kind of snapshot or slice of my current life, so that I can assess what progress means to me. This, I would consider, is a challenging spiritual exercise, because to be completely truthful and doing so in public is a challenge beyond my current comfort zone.

Let us see then, where do I stand at this precise moment in life.

I came back to my childhood home after spending some four years in Spain, and for the last two years I’ve been working as least as possible in order to finance my “sabbatical”. I am completely broke financially with my credit card maxed out and negative balance in my bank account. It’s not terrible: $4,000 USD in debt.

I am strangely unconcerned, I just have the feeling things will turn out right if I pursue what interests me the most at this moment, which is the joint venture I have with René Galindo, but it does look like a wick which holds very little wax. Should I meet failure, the flame would be put out.

But some chasms are meant to be crossed and one must be corageous if one wants to accomplish anything in life. Let us continue as we have been until now: utterly unconcerned about money, yet spending nothing. I will continue walking the path of semi-monastic life into 2020.

Where am I right now? Allow me to speak from spirit, the reality beyond reality. What do I see?

I am performing a lot of psychological work. I have come to understand the boundaries with my family. But there is something inwardly silent that is unveiling, and I’m looking with a lot of interest at it, and at times I feel like a moth circling a light bulb. I cannot consume myself in the light until I satisfy the purpose of my ego in this life. And then I become afraid that it is simply a trick of the ego to give himself more time.

All is resolved, yet I continue to be an entity who types online almost every day.

It is said that once you find the passage, it is impossible not to come back and help other cross it. This passage is the passage to freedom. I’d say I’ve only seen it, I have not been in it. My role in this world is to be a scout. If I follow that direction I will not be able to come back. I do not want to be enlightened. I commit to continue exploring this experience called life. I will cross to that land when I am ripe for it.

Indeed, when is one ripe for transformation?

In Morelia, Mexico; monarch butterflies come to spend the winter, and then migrate north to Canada in the warmer months. The migration north is multi-generational: butterflies arrive to a certain spot, mate, die, and their children continue their way north. Once in Canada, a super butterfly is born which completes the multigenerational trip in a single fly, arriving in large numbers to Morelia, Michoacán. I must see them! When? November to March. I must be patient. I have no money for these whims.

I sidetracked. It’s desire, sorry.

Once may not notice, but we are continously dying in order to give raise to new things. We “rebirth” when we wake up in the morning with refreshed intentions. The blank page feeling of life: what will today bring? and let the answer never be drudge, toil, exhaustion but curiosity, flow, attention.

I can say in all honesty that I love my life at this time. Yet, outwardly, I’m serious. I took root quickly because I knew this land, but I would like to deepen my Mexican roots now that I am in Mexico.

I yearn for pilgrimages that few people know about, pilgrimages from the heart. If I want to fulfil my explorer archetype, a good option would be to retrace the route of Cortés. I would love to walk the camino of Cortés. I ought to read his letters to the king once more. Indeed, allow us to just move the book to the bath room, this way it remains at the right place at the right time.

I’m kinda high and I know this kind of insight requires sobriety to let it sink in. As the guy from the camino said: la maría es una gran maestra, lo que pasa es que no le hacemos caso and so I keep this for next year. Allow us to continue a different exercise: write in the middle of motion.