~11 min. Cleaned transcript. Uncertain passages marked [?].

I must learn how to narrate. Well, I’m doing stuff so that I can verbalize my experience. And, uh, just gain more confidence with my enunciation. Listening to how my voice changes as I change positions.

Right now I’m sitting on a stool. I’m holding myself up. And breathe. Okay. So now what? I’m just supposed to blabber into the phone. Let’s simply sit and observe what comes up. This is ridiculous.

Eyes close [?]. Deep breath. Attention goes inside the body. I’m bracing my whole core. My voice is changing by doing that, but I can probably learn how to relax my voice as I’m holding. Oh, that’s difficult. I’m trying to suck in my ribcage as I’m speaking, and this makes the voice a little bit more strained — but it’s clearly trainable. It’s a matter of breathing and, uh, having fine muscle control of the core. And then you can regulate exactly how the air is moving out as you’re speaking. This is a nice discovery.

Okay, so I’m gonna sit up straight again. There we go. Now I’m gonna show my heart — I suppose I’m gonna stick out my chest — to see if that creates… uh, it does create a change in voice. That’s super strange. Can I speak normally? I’m gonna try to speak normally while sticking out my chest. I think it’s very difficult. It’s like a more feminine voice. And we can try to lower it down so that I can demonstrate I have no femininity in me.

Let’s try to do, huh? Female voice. This is absolutely terrible. I would never pass for a woman’s voice. Sounds like an old lady. Oh, my God. Ah. Ah, this is so much fun.

It’s true that your voice changes with your facial expressions. I guess right now I’m smiling, and probably it can be listened through my voice. I guess if I make an angry face — ah, that sort of drops immediately. Happy, angry, happy, angry, happy, angry. Ah. Angry, ah — disgust, disgust, okay. Another emotion: you wrinkle. Ah, I should do this on video, I guess, but I’ll just continue. Wrinkle your face to the front, then pull everything out — that can be surprise [?]. Disgust, surprise. Sometimes it’s like surprise, disgust. Surprise, disgust. Surprise, disgust. Surprise, disgust. Air comes in, and it goes out with an emotion. So that’s it: connected to posture, facial expression, your voice comes through.

Cleanly [?]. I was just thinking today, I’m really not that bad at conversations, but I’m very bad at initiating them. But every interaction I have is probably positive.

Anyway, I got distracted. I’m practicing my voice — not my… well, it’s part of, I guess, a large constellation of skills that have to do with social skills. I hate myself for training [it]. It feels like a betrayal of some part of myself that always swore to be alone. But you grow out of your own ideas about yourself, and any direction that is growth is positive. So it doesn’t matter.

Well — you could be doing or practicing your social skills for evil, for manipulation, for a whole range of psychopathic ideas. How do we discern if we ourselves are not cheating ourselves? That what we really want is probably to get in bed with a beautiful woman, seduce her. Or, uh, gain a lot of power and just govern by manipulation and your social skills. I think I’m doing it honestly. I would say I am interested in sex, and probably my enthusiasm in describing the scenario was revealing. And something I’ve always known is that you just don’t speak to women you like — you speak to everyone. That’s how you simply loosen up on casual conversations.

I completely sidetracked, but it was an interesting sidetrack. Let’s come back to, uh, the voice. My mouth is dry. I confess to having come from the small club [?]. But at least I’m doing something fun, and something new — which is not entirely new, because I have a couple of recordings of myself at different times. But I feel like sometimes I try to speak as I’m walking back home on the streets, and it’s going to be interrupted rambling. Not to say this isn’t rambling. Okay. It’s almost like self-therapy.

Oh — straighten out. Come back to the practice of the voice. What do I want? What do I— what do I want? That’s a terrible meditation prompt. The only task is to observe your breath. What a wasted thought. Let’s come back to it. There we are. Yeah, here I am now.