I come to sit down, the ego inside of me is dying, and kicking it’s last bouts through pot. I have found the way out, and the ego is strangely cooperative. He himself it’s been enough. The sacrifices in his name were numerous. He is tired. He wishes to submit to higher authority.

But I must not write about my ego as if were not myself, for here I am asking for higher authority. I’ve been neglecting my right testicle, I’m broke, I’m smoking a lot of pot, and yet I’m woderfully functional, and in harmony with my family. This period was necesessary for me to notice what is harmony with my mother, and if there is anything that makes things go awry between us is stress.

If we address the problem of human relationship through the lens of comfort… I think I understand now: I live in the same way I code. I do not want to “plug in to the system”, and I accept myself just as I am. I do not mind that this makes me celibate, for nobody would want to be with an outcast as me.

I’m involuting to the state where I started my depression, no quite there, but this happens so that I can write down how I feel.

I agree with Adler: etiology and teleleology are different domains.

Etiology gives me acceptance, teleleology give me hope.

My consciousness is transformed through great adventures, inwardly and outwardly.

I am a wonderful being, blind to this very fact.

I come back in the morning, forgetting about having written this. It’s putting a feeling into words, and that is of… I slept all day. It felt like when I was in Madrid, utterly drained of energy and gone into the mind, a whirling tornado of thoughts that would not cease even when I dozed off.

In the past I would have used the negative affect that is felt towards pot into an intention of not smoking again, but I have seen with my very eyes how this intention gives its way to an unhealthy relationship with the desired substance. Never have I been so functional when pot as when I completely accepted myself smoking it.

The entire situation is much more simple than I make it out to be, when you want to allow the outer layer of the onion peel off, you produce something in your center that will push out the dry layer. And so the way of removal of vice is through inner growth.