I love this wiki, but I hate how it looks. Yet, when I’ll think: what is required to make writing here more comfortable? I must begin by this very box, and not get distracted with the details. The things I explored until now were to discover the best way to accomplish a full customization, but I often fall by the wayside exploring things and at the end of the day nothing is accomplished.

Visual hierarchy is of the outmost importance, and perhaps we ought to follow our own precepts regarding color, but as of now, it is enough to begin designing in black and white, and then add color as the last step. In this way, I do not get distracted and advance in this upfront investment. Last night I spent a lot of time unable to sleep, and I thought about this wiki and my current worklog: they are not faded into meaningles-ness, quite the contrary, they have been elevated to the realm of the sacred, and thus must be drawn inwardly again.

I may someday publish this wiki, but what I mainly seek here is freedom of expression, and so the spiritual task is to write as if nobody but myself were reading. In publishing there is always an editing act as to protect the identity of the people involved in your life. Romantic love is particularly something that inspires to write, but is more appropriate for the intimacy of the relationship rather than the people at large.

In this way, I have found in this wiki the perfect match: it is simply a matter of encrypting something with a particular tag. What would that tag be? Intimate perhaps.

Since I find these ideas inspiring, I will forgo “real work” until the contents of spirit are poured into this vessel. If the best way I find of expressing my thought is in writing, I ought to express my spirit through it. Socrates expressed this through speech, Jesus through the heart, Goethe though his being. I must have the courage. No pep talks. Do I have the courage? Inner doubt. I’m not sure if I’m a dull intelligence, trying to introspect what lies beyond reach. I seem to think that I do not profess enough lightness as to produce anything of notice.

Oh boy you got ensnared. Since the promise to the self was to make the ego obedient in the matter of priorities, it is my current spiritual task to finish everything that I started, and to finish enthusiastically. Because filling the gaps is not as interesting as painting the daily impressions, but it is the work done in the Mandala that contrasts against the dark background. Slowly filling the gaps is tedious work, but allows one to think as one is doing it.

The ego mislead me to a long train of thought and I lost the rhythm that my fingers had as I was typing, I sure sign of distraction. The ego seems to be at its last reduct. I notice all his misgivings and forgive them now. Like Nina, he recoils at the sight of the broom, that weapon that I used to think about myself. How could I have thought It is best to think about yourself as a dog? Let us use Ken Wilber’s terminology and define ourselves through years.

There was a proto-Mark, whom peaked his level of development in Playa del Carmen. No, these are distinct psychological make-ups. Confusion. This is too complicated to be true. Nothing is to be gleaned from the past, if Aledrian Psychology is right. I sense myself very close to resolving a puzzle, but this will give way to a new puzzle. Let us attempt this from a spiritual instead of a self-biographic perspective.

The past is behind. The only thing is now. What do I want for myself? Nothing. I usually welcome what the day brings. I’ve been thinking: it is obvious that in other people that their philosophy of life has a great repercussion in their lifestyle, and I think: is it not obvious to your that your fallacious thinking is bringing you great harm?

And so, despite being perfectly capable I constantly choose to remain in this monk lifestyle, the reason, according to Alderian Psychology, is because I want to, and I agree. I love my lifestyle right now, and I would not sacrife my freedom for money. And I am very poor because of this. That is fine. I have debts, but they cause no anxiety. I must be practical.

This has turned into a session of self-therapy, but when I compare the importance of the task I set to do when I begun writing, I see that is is more important to perform self-maintanance work, which I haven’t done for a long time because of my public writing, and to disintangle the things that I come to find through introspection. Let us come back to the question:

I think of myself as somebody who has taken a severe beating because of his overarching ambition, and thus I come much humbled to the task of confronting myself: how is it that you did not accomplish what you wanted? Because the desire was not honest, it did not come from the self, it came from the ego. What comes from the self cannot be helped, as I find myself typing out these letters I notice an interplay between both. Make the ego a servant of God, is what is usually advised. The only way to submit the ego to god is through constant observance. But God is not an idea, I do not have to think about god or to humble myself to him, to castigate myself self-inflicting pain to beg for his mercy.

True answers are always simple: the way to submit the ego to God is through observance of the breath. Your ego suffers from separation. In this sense, Adlerian psychology is wrong: trauma does exist, and our story is one of separation. We separate from root consciousness and spiral up, generation upon generation working on the problems of ignorance. The child of this age reaches a psychological and intellectual level unknown in the current world. We are “progressing” no matter what post-modernists say. But where? Doomsday sayers and misanthropists have no idea, well, the future is uncertain, but the patterns that I perceive will come up in my lifetime will be amazingly meaningful, just like the past generation has been too.

Half an hour left. I do not care to ramble like this two hours straight. I feel things inside become “put in place” by writing about them. But they can decay and rumble. Let us come back to the task about answering questions to myself. The ego is enjoying this game, I feel ego and spirit working together. Who is observing, it is the self. Who is writing, at times, ego takes the keyboard, at others, it is spirit. They are both joyful, because—this may be important, I haven’t felt this before, inner harmony. They like each other. If they where children, spirit would be the more profound but less assertive child, but they have grown up, and ego, the more dominant child, has understood spirit’s disposition, and are willing to work together. Is this true? I smoked a bit before, and these “hazy therapeutical resolutions” often fade away without leaving an impression. It does make me chill, but it does not resolve the true inner work that is required. It is irrelevant. I will ask myself in the night: do I remember anything about what I wrote today? and I will almost certainly respond: yes, even though the journey of thought was confusing I do remember the scenery seen in the train:

First I wanted to dedicate two hours to the customization of this blog. I came with the feeling that this wiki would be private, because I wanted to write things for myself, the way in which I have written to myself reveals that indeed, it is time to make this private again, and that whatever I publish will be in it’s finished form, these are raw materials.

Then I thought: something important spontaneously came up, I tried to resolve it, and I noticed the ego distracting me. What was this important thing? Did the ego just dance with spirit so that I could not answer myself? Ah! I just remembered! That I was too dull to do anything of importance. That I lacked the “brightness”. Ah, the feeling of “things falling into place” came from the subconscious understanding that I have a tremendous brightness that is obscured by my ego. Ego has understood: if I place myself behind the light of the self, I will stop obstructing its light. It is not dullness that one possesses, it is ignorance. Veils that obscure the brightness have already been removed, for I have never written as good as when the ego tried to stop writing.

Oh, I got into executive mode and scrolled up to seek where the train of thought continued, but the task was to verify the claim that these hazy thoughts will soon be forgotten. They will not. For one, this comes from homegrown pot which is much less potent and much more functional in terms of thought, but in sobriety rarely do I indulge in this kind of self therapy. I must have access to this faculty without having to smoke. Todo: write two hours stream of thought, sober. Executive mode again.

Then I think I went into the understanding—I had to look back again. Indeed I notice my working memory greatly impaired, for I forgot that the refuge of both spirit and ego is the temple of breath-observation, and thus one comes to appreciate the simplicity of the solution if immediate relief from the pain of separation. Oh, the underlying pain… I feel an opening of the chakras, it came as a flash. I suffer because I’m separated, and I reunite in breath. Like the man who has found an oasis in the desert, I must come here to drink. But this is the incorrect allegory. It’s always been inside and I’ve found it before of course. A question I often ask to myself is “why do I keep forgetting to come here for relief”.

I understand now, it is again the ego obscuring the spirit, for visiting this place of relief puts spirit at charge. This is why when I find myself in an egoic state and pass through the meditative state, I come back in the spiritual state. Is this true? well, if I sit down to work there is a much improved performance, less inner-quarreling, it becomes spiritual work without a doubt. I truly experience myself in a different way, I am afraid of it leaving me, it’s been a really rough life, how can I not be attached to liberation? But it comes and goes, this is not arriving. But the ego has understood it’s proper place, indeed the ego is like the dog and the self is the master, this was the insight I had at the time, yet I seem to forget my lessons over and over, and again I attribute this to my own dullness.

But I see this again and again: the dullness is obscuring of the light by the ego. The ego has matured enough to notice that he should not be a child dancing in front of the spotlight, but that the ego has a role in the shaping and direction of divine light. It is not the ego that shines, for the model for human understanding may be found in our very own arrangement of celestial bodies: the sun is the the root source; earth, spirit; ego, the moon. And all are sacred celestial bodies, but all of us have the order incorrect, for living from the ego we perceive the earth to revolve around us as we move around the sun.

I think I have reflected upon the problem enough to understand intuitively: I must submit to spirit. Spirit: this is ego. I feel foolish now that I noticed I’ve been obscuring you all this time. Come into gratefulness to see this happen. I understand. It is time to step behind you. I am glad we both noticed. It is 10:00AM, and we’ve both written two hours by now. Until tomorrow.