Months ago a teacher for whom I felt professionally ambiguous about, announced a retreat and invited me to come. I was enticed but passed. Months later my ambiguity had grown to esteem, he was honest in his intentions even though his practice and knowledge is a bit lacking. What I like about his way of teaching is that he studied acting and comes from the performative arts, so he puts into yoga an uncommon ingredient which is drama and theater, and with him I’m learning to add emotion into my movement. When we gossip about our favorite teachers in the locker room I always warn that Camilo is not for everyone, the very thing that initially irked me is what I’m now enjoying the most.

It could be a mania episode. He’s organizing too many retreats and events, one per month and “extra-curricular” classes on Sundays. He would need to be a world-class athlete-yogi to accomplish that, he’s trying to play major league when he’s clearly in the second division. I write this with the appreciation that he would not be able to direct the class as he does if he did not believe in himself, and that if he’s successful in his endeavor I’d be happy to be proven wrong (that means my success intuition needs a revision), but I doubt this is the case.

Furthermore and perhaps more serious is the initial charm cracking to reveal a narcissistic individual. The problem would not be that he believes himself to be better than he actually is, but that you experience in the relationship a need for admiration and loyalty. The façade was different, but underneath it is the same personality as my grandmother’s. There’s hints of verbal abuse towards his partner and many many details that form a full picture that I trust is accurate, because it has taken time to form and because I’m familiar with it.

After originally passing on the retreat, my esteem for him grew and I inquired about the event. He said it was full, but there was another one the next month, but it was a shame because he wanted me to come to this one, where there would be seasoned and intense practitioners. I said whatever ping me if somebody drops out, I might be available to take the spot. He twisted his face, as if I had something out of the ordinary, and my appeasing personality gave him a little ego boost to get me off the hook. I notice the reaction here should have been to stare seriously. You don’t play games with narcissists.

Before boarding the train I went to Mercadona to buy 18 boiled eggs. Meals will be vegetarian and I’ll suffer the food. I’ll suffer the teacher, probably the classmates too. Ugh when you’ve already paid a 350€ retreat but your forecast is so dire, you must wonder if it’s not a better investment to stay at home. But new experience, good or bad, is worth something. Repeating the same hazed weekend over and over is not.

The train has arrived to Arévalo, let’s go.