State: weed.

I write in high times, on the condition that tomorrow morning I do the same in an unaltered state. Let this be a comparison of thirty minutes of stream of throught. Thirty minutes of writing is a non-trivial amount, and I suspect that by the end of the exercise I will be fed up with writing. So, I will simply allow my fingers to type whatever they want during thrirty minutes.

I had set out to have a frugal day, but I splurged in something which seemed important: I can use Oscar’s help in fair exchange, and then asked Marina for help to clean the house. This allowed me to work a bit, and to go to the gym and to yoga.

The principle that I was exploring was frugality. Frugality is my default way of being, but I came across a modest amount of work related income to “splurge” on luxury items such as external speakers and an Alexa for mom. And then I grew accustomed to spending a bit more than normal. It is easy to revert to “not spending” but the principle is: spend wisely.

Were the expenditures of today good expenditures? Indeed, because not only my house is clean and the front yard is in great shape, but I have helped neighbors. Oscar’s improvement is remarkable. Through listening and being present with him and also being straightforward “dude, don’t show me porn”, I have learned how to treat him.

I’m growing tired of typing, the hightimes are asking for good-nights. Today a lot of work was done, and I see the exercise is not a matter of time, it is a matter of patience, let us see if prime waking state produces better writing. And compare to evening-unaltered state tomorrow.

I come to complete my promise to myself to write in the morning, in an unaltered state of consciousness. What I wrote barely seems worth registering, just thinking out loud blabbering, and yet I seems incapable of writing anything better than I already wrote.

For the past few days I’ve been sunbathing in substantial amounts. It seems to have a wonderful effect on my mood. But it is strange: I thought—as I am living in Mexico—that I would already be receiving enough sunlight because I bike and I walk everywhere.

But the kind of boost you get from shirtless—or even better—naked sunbathing, is unlike what you get from a walk to the supermarket. And I look at myself at the mirror and I think: I must be on vacations! and then I think—but I am on vacations, I am the owner of my time, I can do whatever I want, is that not vacations? The notion of vacations is strange when you do what you want to do, because there is no need to “disconnect” or to “recharge”.

I remember, when I used to work, that I would escape to the camino in the winter to Andalucía, and as the sun is a little less impotent in the winter than it is in Madrid, I used to walk with my shirt off, even if it was cold, so that the sun would warm my bones, and the farmers would wave at me and motion to put on a jacket, I’d just smile and wave back. Surely they would have thought I was a foreigner, and they would have been right.

But, in the larger picture, I notice there are a tremendous amount of things I do to escape my foul mood, now that I think about it, most of my Virtuegraph is precisely that: and escape from meaningless-ness and depression. If I could, I would prefer to be drawn to feelings of completeness and joy, an attraction rather than an escape.

It is 9:30am, which means the sun is strong enough to have my morning thawing on the rooftop. I will go upstairs.

Regarding writing high or unaltered, I’d say I prefer writing unaltered. But it seems to have the same effect that booze has on some writers: the sense of feeling is heightened, and so it is easier to write because what might seem boring while unaltered may seem amusing while high.

In any case: everything is self-knowledge. Everything is an exploration to understand the self, to understand the ego, and to understand my purpose on this earth. As of late I’ve been thinking: I can’t answer the basic questions that I set myself to answer seven years ago, I can’t say what is the meaning of life, what is the meaning of _my_life, what is love, what is… It seems the importance of these questions faded away when I transcended the logical aspect of development. Indeed, these questions have no verbal answer, because the answer lies in feeling and action.

It is time to begin the day.