I will write in stream of thought. I always felt guilty about dumping what is basically vomiting thought on to readers, and so at this new house I must always feel comfortable doing it. Where should we begin: with the inner facts or with the outer facts?

Inner facts are: I find myself in an impatient disposition. I find myself yearning change, yet unwilling to negotiate the terms of change. And so one sees two options clearly: either acceptance, or making a deal with yourself to make yourself unhappy until you reach “change”.

What is “change” anyway? Would a change in context make me feel better? For a short time, if I were to go to Madrid, I would sill have the same lifestyle. The change I refer to is this: I realize I have an ego, certain personality traits, certain intelligences and lack of others, and I have a mood that goes up and down. But beyond that, one observes a light that is sometimes bright, others dim, and that most people have more consistent light than I do, but I have a rhythm, and it is natural in me as in many people to have ups and downs, periods of rest and periods of creativity.

Between change and acceptance, what ought to be chosen?

What is desired is inner change. If I change my environment, I’ll just be putting off the work. The Self is that which cannot be designed.

It feels like sometimes change should be tackled, but Carl Rogers used to say acceptance of current circumstance was the first step toward real change. Why be unhappy desiring change? I am just a leaf, a gust of wind will eventually pick me up and throw me through change.

First accept the monotony of your life.